Last day @ Keane

It is one of those days u wish never happened in your life. It is one of those moments when you actually feel the pain in your heart even without having a heart attack in the real sense. This was probably yet another job, although my first one. This was the the 6th of May 2008; my last day at Keane. It would probably have been a ceremonial occassion. It very well could have been a joyous occassion as I was getting pretty much bored in office. But I wish this day never happened.

People say its difficult to understand a women's heart. Yes. I can never seem to understand my own. Three months into my very first job, I decided that I wanted to pursue higher studies. I was made to do petty work even after being among the top scorers, so it really bugged me and I got myself enrolled into rigorous coaching classes in preparation for the MBA entrance exam the CAT. I wasn't really close to any of my batchmates at that time. They were just batchmates. I wish it had been the same, I wouldn't have felt bad this day. When we became more than just batchmates, I dont know. I dont want to know.

I slogged literally day and night for this moment when I could get out of this job. I kind of ignored my friends as MBA was my top priority. I had no other go. Life is really unpredictable. Even after scoring 98 something which is a pretty good score, I didnt manage to get into the IIMs. But no regrets really. I got into a good B-school which is among the top 15 or so in India. This was my goal and I had achieved it. I couldnt have afforded to wait for another year to prepare for the CAT and then try for IIMs. Never! So many things depended on this. My father's retirement should not be postponed because of this. Its high time he gave up his lonely life and came back to India for good. Another, I couldn't go on studying full time till I was 28. Practically not possible. And with parents like these no one would have anything to complain. My dad has dreams of me becoming someone like the Ambanis. Dreams of my photo being published in Bussiness magazines. My mom is a lady with the perfect mixture of modernity and tradition. She promises to offer her full support to me even after I get married, promising to take care of the household chores so that I can concentrate on my career. And I, though not very keen on being a multi millionaire, want to be an important part where ever I am. All this zeroed in on MBA and alas I got it. Couldn't have been happier. But I wasn't exactly.

I made up my mind not to be sad faced on the last day in office. I had to go around a lot on the last day, so didnt have much time to think about things. I made a concious effort not to think about the seperation. I was consoling myself that I would be seeing them in one weeks time. The moment my scooter left the office compound I got into a different mode. I was kind of dizzy. Water was flowing nonstop from my eyes and I was loud at that. Didnt really bother if people on the road saw me that way. Why bother about people I dont know if I cant bother about my friends. I cant help feeling guilty of cheating my friends even though I dont want to admit it. I probably shouldnt have been friends with them, shouldnt have got close so that they would have remained just colleagues. Why guilty I dont know. 1. I shouldnt have joined this company so that I wouldnt have met them. 2. I shouldnt have got friendly with them 3. I shouldnt have left the job. Now that all these have been done, nothing can be done to reverse its effects. Probably I would have to live on with this guilt. Sometimes human beings tend to be very selfish. Mostly they are. I'm very much one of them. Like one of my friends said, selfishness overtakes us sometimes.

I managed to reach home safely, although there were a couple of instances where I could have got into an accident because my eyes were totally blocked and gazy with water. Upon reaching home, I just wanted to vent it all out so that my heart feels light. But one of my friends was waiting for me near my house. Didnt want to cry in front of him. Hope I didnt. I want my friends to remember only my happy face and I wanted to see only their happy faces. Thanks to almighty that I didnt see any of them crying and they didnt see me that way. It is in the same emotional mood that I'm writing this. Probably again out of selfishness, the headache is unbearable and if I blow my nose one more time, blood would start to ooze out of it. To divert my attention and to put all memories into good use, I'm writing this. I never would have thought that writing could help you so much.Not that the headache is any better, but the heart is lighter.

There must be some reason why god makes people meet and seperate them. Blame it on god, after all that we do. I didnt cry a single drop even after the last day of college even though I had the best of friends. Probably knowing that we are going to stay in the same city and pretty sure that we are going to be in touch. And look, we are! :) So why am I crying buckets now. No one knows. Everytime my father comes to Chennai, I'm so happy and everytime he goes back, I cry. It happens everytime. They say only time can cure certain things. Time cant cure certain things like these. Probably because I'm going far off now. Probably I've got too close to them. Time cannot erase certain memories and these will be certainly among them.

These are people whom I'll love even after I get married, have children, grandchildren. Something in my heart tells me these people will remain an important part of my life throughout till I die. After all if my dad is still close to me even after being miles apart then when why not my friends. Should I really feel bad about this? Moreover I should be returning to my home town eventually. God only knows. Blame it on god again, after all that we do.