The sweet smell of freedom

As citizens of India, we have the right to freedom of a number of things. But there is no better freedom than to be yourself and do what you want without fear. But does that mean that in order to experience this freedom you should modify yourself? This statement is contradictory in itself. Freedom is an internal feeling like all other feelings, not something bestowed upon you by the world. But sure, the world can take away from you what it didn't give you in the first place.

I currently live in the alleged crime capital of India. First advice that was given to me in college was “Don’t go out alone, especially after dusk”. It was more like a warning. Yeah Yeah! Have heard that a million times since my birth. The worst vice is advice. So I disregard almost any advice given to me and follow my heart; which is usually clueless. That makes me happy and that is how it is supposed to be. Otherwise the very purpose of existence is defied and you live someone else’s life. In my opinion, if you follow others’ advice blindly you are living the life of a surrogate mother, taking all the pains to nurture someone else’s baby which you will never ever end up having.

But it turned out that it was better that the particular advice was heeded to. So like wild boars escaping lions in a jungle, we always ventured out in groups. But recently I dared to go out of college with a friend at 7.30pm. So it was just the two of us, girls, walking to a place not very far from where we stayed. Not that weren’t warned earlier of the sensibilities of people towards women but this time it hit me again for the n^th time in life as a rude shock. No woman needs to be reminded of her femininity by ugly looks, stares, ogling, whistling, pinching, caressing, comments and gestures of any kind. It usually does not require Sherlock Holmes to find who is at fault. But more often than not, the woman is told to be submissive and maintain a low profile so that she is not noticed by the vultures of the world. It might not even serve the purpose; leave alone the fact that by doing this you let your grooming choices be decided by pervert strangers.

So my friend and I were once again reminded to feel vulnerable. The street was dark but not dark enough to hide both of us completely. So it provided ample opportunities for vehicles passing by to have a nice look at us and get some entertainment by almost running over us. One guy on a bike even stopped before us, probably hoping for us to hop on his bike, but luckily nothing happened. We walked at the fasted speed possible to get to the place we wanted to. We were scared. At least I was, much against my wishes. And I was ashamed that I was scared because I hate to be like this. A typical solution offered is to go with a male company. I don’t need a body guard for my entire life. Each person is born alone, dies alone and is capable of taking care of oneself.

We returned to college in a rickshaw which we believed would be safer than the journey we just had. We had to give up our freedom to have an otherwise pleasurable walk in the evening because of unknown faces who wanted to have fun in the same way as one irks zoo animals to see them jump around. It didn’t seem fair to me but still I gave up. I felt cheated that someone on the road could take away my freedom. When we returned to the campus, I was relieved. The smell of freedom is indeed sweet. But the world stinks and it’s time we clean up.

Wavering thoughts

Standing on the shores of time

Stars of memories still shine;

Rooted in the sands of past

Hoping the storm would not last;

Wishing for a pleasant rain

And a life without pain;

Never been a clear sky

As the days passed by;

Crossed many a haunting mile

Searching for a reason to smile;

Clinging on to hope amidst the noise

But do I have a choice?

Yet another day..

These days I'm pretty jobless, since I have found myself a job, a decent one but really special because it came earlier than expected. Have watched around 5 movies in the last 2 days. Don't remember the last time I watched movies. This phase of my life is coming to an end soon. Not the movies, the 2 yrs of MBA, PGDM to be precise. Not that I'm nostalgic about it. But things will be a lot different when I return. I have lost more than I have gained, nothing to do with my education though. Some things that cannot be changed, repaired or forgotten. Things that are etched in my memory and will remain there forever. Some pains never cease to exist. The power of human endurance stretches more than can be imagined ever. An aimless girl who continued on the path that life took her, made a decision one day to leave her home far behind to come into a different territory, all for the want of a better career. Little did she know that in 2 years, the place she left behind will never remain the same. Some of the dreams came true, some shattered. Then came the realization that some things in life will always be out of our own control. Not the acceptance of it yet. I read some where that 'God never gives you anything that you cannot handle. But I wish it didn't trust me so much'. So true. When I got a job without much struggle, everyone was excited. I was shocked. My mind was telling me to be happy. I was crying inside. I wish I could share this happiness with the most important people in my life like before. But then things are never going to be like before. I stayed mum. They say, Life goes on. I'm not sure how, but know it's not going to be the same. These 2 years of my life formed an important phase in my life. No one has any clue what the future has in store. It will be yet another day tomorrow.

This is especially for someone who promised that he will read my blog in leisure. Love you Dad.

Change is the Name of the Game....

I'm not good at poetry(but then not very good at writing either!) This started as a comment to one's of my friend's photograph in his orkut album. Since then I had saved it in my desktop and kept adding a line or two whenever I feel like. Might sound like the rhymes you would've learnt in class 5, but whatever...how does it matter! Here it goes...

In the restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobble stone

When I turned I saw u there, Was it just a dream in the air

By the fireplace a book in hand, The past I try to find

But memories are never far, I wish it was another hour

Why I never know yesterday, Was it just another day

Can't I ever know tomorrow, Is it filled with sorrow

Is this what it's going to be, the only thing I can see

Something I cannot hold, as pages of life seem to unfold

Sorrow will be later, but it doesnt matter

Things will never be the same, change is the name of the game

(Line 1: courtesy Gautam)

Its a bigger big world!

This post marks my awakenig from hibernation. Its been ages since I blogged. Since I can now more or less confidently say that I have settled into the MBA life, I guess I can continue being myself. Two months of MBA has taught me just the opposite - not to be myself. Well, not exactly. But somewhat. 'You are in a B-School yaar. Got to open up soon'. Its more than a habit, its a personality trait. It is me. Even though I'm in a B-School. So be it. 'Oh! You are from Chennai? So you know Hindi?' is another favourite one I've heard 9999 times so far.

At the end of the day, fortunately or otherwise, I haven't changed, in accordance with the requests of many of my friends. But a course on 'Organizational Behaviour' has taught me to suppress my dominant trait and express my dormant trait where ever it is necessary. It has worked out fine so far. The dominant trait has been on logger heads with the dormant one and both have got mixed up now. What the heck! Let it be.

Why I sat down to write this is not so clear. With project deadlines approaching and no mood to do it, I just finished watching a movie. A lot of things have been happenning in my life about which I could have written, probably a book or a series of books like Harry Potter. I haven't read a Harry Potter by the way. Now when I'm writing this I realize only strong emotions make me write. The last post was due to a very strong feeling of sadness. Now its the opposite. Its a strong sense of happiness and hope. A dream of an exciting life ahead.

A friend had been to Nepal recently and had sent pictures of his trip. Why I got so inspired by these pictures is something that can be understood only by some. I'm not the right person to describe the beauty of nature. My friend would be a better choice for that. What I can do is what I'm doing right now. A few months back, I was there in my 6*6*4 feet cubicle in a central location of a metro doing what thousands of Indians would be doing. My entire world was confined in a small small world. Not that I haven't travelled ever in my life. I have been to many places outside India with family and within India also, with friends. But post joining MBA, it became a bigger small world.

Never had I ever felt hopeful about the future without any reason like now. I'm a B-School and I should be hopeful, but that's not the reason. Life is bigger. Much bigger than I had ever thought. It is bigger than my thoughts and bigger than I can ever think it would be. Its a bigger big world. There are things in life that are for the pure pleasure of living life. Things that make the other days of slavery worth living. Slavery to the routines of education, earning, marriage, procreation and retirement. Before I sound like a full fledged sadhu, let me stop.

If you want to curse someone for you reading this, curse my friend. The beauty of Nepal made me wish that I could be a nomad wandering all around the world aimlessly, sinking in mother nature's beauty and be one with the nature. No job, no MBA, no competition. Just me and nature. God made me as a single piece and put me into this earth and I might as well live like that. Just mother earth and me.

But since there is MBA, for which I'm a debtor worth eight lac rupees, I probably should return back to doing my Marketing Management project. Nevertheless, mother nature is always with me and all around me. I still hope to be a traveller, even after MBA. And that hope is fuelled by mother nature herself.

Last day @ Keane

It is one of those days u wish never happened in your life. It is one of those moments when you actually feel the pain in your heart even without having a heart attack in the real sense. This was probably yet another job, although my first one. This was the the 6th of May 2008; my last day at Keane. It would probably have been a ceremonial occassion. It very well could have been a joyous occassion as I was getting pretty much bored in office. But I wish this day never happened.

People say its difficult to understand a women's heart. Yes. I can never seem to understand my own. Three months into my very first job, I decided that I wanted to pursue higher studies. I was made to do petty work even after being among the top scorers, so it really bugged me and I got myself enrolled into rigorous coaching classes in preparation for the MBA entrance exam the CAT. I wasn't really close to any of my batchmates at that time. They were just batchmates. I wish it had been the same, I wouldn't have felt bad this day. When we became more than just batchmates, I dont know. I dont want to know.

I slogged literally day and night for this moment when I could get out of this job. I kind of ignored my friends as MBA was my top priority. I had no other go. Life is really unpredictable. Even after scoring 98 something which is a pretty good score, I didnt manage to get into the IIMs. But no regrets really. I got into a good B-school which is among the top 15 or so in India. This was my goal and I had achieved it. I couldnt have afforded to wait for another year to prepare for the CAT and then try for IIMs. Never! So many things depended on this. My father's retirement should not be postponed because of this. Its high time he gave up his lonely life and came back to India for good. Another, I couldn't go on studying full time till I was 28. Practically not possible. And with parents like these no one would have anything to complain. My dad has dreams of me becoming someone like the Ambanis. Dreams of my photo being published in Bussiness magazines. My mom is a lady with the perfect mixture of modernity and tradition. She promises to offer her full support to me even after I get married, promising to take care of the household chores so that I can concentrate on my career. And I, though not very keen on being a multi millionaire, want to be an important part where ever I am. All this zeroed in on MBA and alas I got it. Couldn't have been happier. But I wasn't exactly.

I made up my mind not to be sad faced on the last day in office. I had to go around a lot on the last day, so didnt have much time to think about things. I made a concious effort not to think about the seperation. I was consoling myself that I would be seeing them in one weeks time. The moment my scooter left the office compound I got into a different mode. I was kind of dizzy. Water was flowing nonstop from my eyes and I was loud at that. Didnt really bother if people on the road saw me that way. Why bother about people I dont know if I cant bother about my friends. I cant help feeling guilty of cheating my friends even though I dont want to admit it. I probably shouldnt have been friends with them, shouldnt have got close so that they would have remained just colleagues. Why guilty I dont know. 1. I shouldnt have joined this company so that I wouldnt have met them. 2. I shouldnt have got friendly with them 3. I shouldnt have left the job. Now that all these have been done, nothing can be done to reverse its effects. Probably I would have to live on with this guilt. Sometimes human beings tend to be very selfish. Mostly they are. I'm very much one of them. Like one of my friends said, selfishness overtakes us sometimes.

I managed to reach home safely, although there were a couple of instances where I could have got into an accident because my eyes were totally blocked and gazy with water. Upon reaching home, I just wanted to vent it all out so that my heart feels light. But one of my friends was waiting for me near my house. Didnt want to cry in front of him. Hope I didnt. I want my friends to remember only my happy face and I wanted to see only their happy faces. Thanks to almighty that I didnt see any of them crying and they didnt see me that way. It is in the same emotional mood that I'm writing this. Probably again out of selfishness, the headache is unbearable and if I blow my nose one more time, blood would start to ooze out of it. To divert my attention and to put all memories into good use, I'm writing this. I never would have thought that writing could help you so much.Not that the headache is any better, but the heart is lighter.

There must be some reason why god makes people meet and seperate them. Blame it on god, after all that we do. I didnt cry a single drop even after the last day of college even though I had the best of friends. Probably knowing that we are going to stay in the same city and pretty sure that we are going to be in touch. And look, we are! :) So why am I crying buckets now. No one knows. Everytime my father comes to Chennai, I'm so happy and everytime he goes back, I cry. It happens everytime. They say only time can cure certain things. Time cant cure certain things like these. Probably because I'm going far off now. Probably I've got too close to them. Time cannot erase certain memories and these will be certainly among them.

These are people whom I'll love even after I get married, have children, grandchildren. Something in my heart tells me these people will remain an important part of my life throughout till I die. After all if my dad is still close to me even after being miles apart then when why not my friends. Should I really feel bad about this? Moreover I should be returning to my home town eventually. God only knows. Blame it on god again, after all that we do.

My Story

There are many things I could be doing right now, but I chose to write. Not out of any particular interest in writing (not that I don't like writing), but more out of boredom and an urge to do something creative and the most creative thing I can do right now sitting in my 3*3m cubicle is to write. This would invite the least amount of gazes from people around and also would not be glaringly noticeable by my PM.

One would wonder, how long a person can go on writing without knowing what he/she is writing about. Probably this is what is going on in your mind too. Let me be clear. I'm sailing in the same boat as yours. I have no idea. This is just going to be an outlet for the ideas going on in my mind, which could be interesting for some and could not be for others. But for others who are in my position, this would be yet another way of passing away precious time in office.

Welcome to the IT industry!

Just a small introduction for people new to this phenomenon- Young girls and boys fresh out of engineering colleges are recruited by IT companies during the end of their third year of college. Though the selection process is fair enough to judge the best candidates, one need not usually worry much about getting a job, because in city colleges like mine, fifty odd companies come for recruitment. It makes sure that almost all the students get "placed" in some company or the other. Nevertheless, there would be a good few who would be vying for the top five companies. I wasn't one among them.
Not that I wasn't sincere enough to try, but just that I didn't know how to. Getting top grades in college is one thing and getting a job is another. One thing is sure; these two are not dependent or even independent. I guess it depends on knowledge, attitude, smartness and a great deal on mother luck. But, I'm still guessing.
I was one of the toppers in college, but wasn't really interested in studying. How could that be? You might wonder. I studied more out of a desire to keep my parents happy than to get top grades and little out of a sincere interest in acquiring knowledge. Not many people belong to the last category though. Quite a few study for getting top grades, others for the heck of it, but a majority in order to get a good job. Back to square one.

Coming back to it, being one of the toppers, friends expected me to get placed in the first company that recruited from our college. But it didn't quite happen that way. I didn't know why and also didn't bother much because none of my friends got placed too. No, it wasn't sadistic pleasure, just a happy good feeling that I have a chance of getting a job in the same company where my friends would join. Okay, at least where some of them would.
It never turned out to be like that. My college was increasing the number of classes for training students like me who are yet to be "placed". It made little difference to me. By the time I got a job, most of my friends were made future employees of companies which didn't find a very capable employee in me.
Every dog has its day. Mine was on 8th July 2006. Finally I got a job. Not a very famous company though, but I was relieved that I needn't go through those arduous rounds of written test, group discussion and interview any more. Those were days of celebration with the feeling of elation occupying most of my mind and heart until time drew by to dilute those feelings.

Final year:
Every college student will have fond memories of that last year in college which is a threshold point in one's life. I too have mine. Finally we were the so called "seniors" of the college, though nothing much changed to indicate that. Business went about as usual. The only difference was lesser subjects, lesser working days and a project to be submitted.
We were (still are) a gang of 8 girls, each of a different possible shape and size. But, we form a wholesome bunch of friends. As it always happens, we started preparing for the final semester exams only on the D day, a few days before that, to be precise. It wasn't going to be easy, but we thought we can make it worthwhile at least. We camped on each person's house before each examination and studied together. We were "group studying". We had just two subjects, but that's quite enough to trouble an engineering student. We had ample amount of time and little prior knowledge of the subject. So, a plan was meticulously formulated for each day of the study holidays by one of the more responsible girls of the lot, not me. It turned out that the day before each of the exams were to be spent at my home. What a sight it was! Almost resembled a ladies hostel! Mom and my elder sister spent most of their time in the kitchen. Though my friends were a cooperative lot, as we were left undisturbed to study, cooking was taken over. Though those days were really hectic, we learnt a lot; a lot more than the subjects. It was my first hand experience of team work.

First Day at work:
Exams got over and we celebrated; before the results were out and after that also. Then came the toughest part. Exams got over by May 2006. I spent most of my time enjoying the free time I got after four long years of college. But after some time it started to wear out. I was eagerly waiting to start my career, but had to wait for a "call" from the company; but not too eager enough to gain some knowledge in my field of work, which some of my friends did. I learnt yoga, pranic healing; things which I would never have attempted otherwise, except to kill time. I also did some things which I enjoyed; I learnt to drive a car. This was probably the most useful thing I learnt during those days; useful enough to get a four wheeler license.
During an unexpected hour of the day, I got a call from my company. I had to report for a medical check up. Fine, just another routine. Dad and I went to the diagnostic center. I was supposed to go for the check up on empty stomach. By the time half the tests were done, my stomach started growling. Even after all the tests were done, I had to wait for a green signal from the lab technicians to ascertain that all tests have been done. I waited in the lounge. Till then I hadn't noticed some people chatting in the lounge, quite a loud chat. A group of college guys and girls. Probably for some other company. Throughout the checkup I managed not to talk to even one of them, except for an instance of "where should I go for this test?" to a girl who was waiting next to me for a test. That isn't strange for me. I didn't find any need to talk to them. After I got the green signal, I left the place with Dad to some nearby hotel to have some much needed food. It later turned out that all those guys and girls I saw in the diagnostic center were employed in the same company as mine and we ended up in the same batch of training. Some of them are my friends now.

It is really difficult to predict how I will deal with people. But as it would have been predicted by anyone who's close to me, I seldom spoke to my new batch mates at work. But it hasn't always been like that.

School:
School life was quite turbulent. I was changing my school every two years for want of admission in a particular school near home, which eventually happened when I was promoted to the seventh standard. Let me begin from Pre Kinder Garden. I completed my first two years of schooling in a small school at a walk able distance from home. I don't have any special memories of that school except that it was a small place and we used to sit on the corridors and have lunch. One can find the school still in the same place within a small compound that houses a residential block on the ground floor and the school in the first floor. After completing my L.K.G in the same school, I moved to yet another school near home. Legend has it that I was double promoted to the first standard in this school, the reason being "I was too intelligent for the U.K.G". This particular piece of information was never verified. During these first few years of schooling, I never made any long lasting friendship that I can remember now.
Then after two more years, time came to move to another school. This one was pretty far away from home, out of city limits. For the first time I went to school by bus. It was quite a long journey, about 1hr long. While travelling to school, I vomited; every day. These two years of school life are special to me for reasons more than one. Many incidents took place which moulded my attitude towards life, in general and people, in particular.
My parents form an important part of my life. There are many things they have undergone in order to keep me happy. Every parent does that. But anyway, my parents are special to me. It is during these two years that due to some problems I had to miss my third standard annual exam, with permission from the school. I realized the importance of this particular year of my life only years later.

It is during this year that my academic performance started to shine. I also had the opportunity of performing in my first stage appearance. During one of the exams I had got high marks in Hindi. So it was decided that I would play a Punjabi girl in the forthcoming play on national integration. The teacher in-charge asked me to get a salwar suit for the role. It was my first salwar, a blue and red salwar suit, which I proudly showed off to all my friends the next day. Though mere stage presence is a great achievement for a beginner, I expected at least some lines of Hindi dialogue, because this particular role was “awarded” to me for my “incredible” performance in the Hindi exam. It later turned out to be a damp squib. The guy who played the role of my husband, a Punjabi munda, had pages of lengthy emotional dialogues in between which, at a particular instance, I, the Punjabi kudi, had to utter “haan ji, haan ji”. That’s it.

I had started to make some friends and along with it came trouble. A rumor was doing rounds that a bungalow behind the school was haunted by ghosts and the bungalow was right behind the girls’ restroom. One day when I was inside the restroom, my friends locked me up inside. I noticed it only when I tried to come out. I knocked on the door and called out a few times. When I got no response I got tensed. Through a small ventilation in the restroom, I could see a part of the bungalow and that was enough to press the panic button in me. I screamed my lungs out, enough to wake up a polar bear from hibernation. To avoid getting into any further trouble, my friends unlocked the door and let me out. What followed is best left untold.

My Home:
I was, and am still, staying in an apartment where there was always constant noise of chatter and laughter. We were a bunch of kids of almost the same age. Those were the days when computers and cartoon channels had not yet invaded homes. Most of the time at home was spent playing games which were real ones, not the ones you play using simulation in computers.

Like in most parts of India, electricity supply was errant in my locality too. So whenever we were devoid of it, it was fun time. A bunch of 4-5 kids, including me, gathered in the 2nd floor verandah to rid the others of any peace and comfort that wasn’t already taken away along with the electricity. I was of the tom-boyish type and one of the louder ones at that. So we were, if it can be said, “the center of attraction” of the apartment during that time, if complaints can also be included as evidence. Four corners, Antakshari, Dumb charades and numerous other unnamed games were frequently played by us. When the electricity resumed, there would be a loud howl of disappointment as we had to return back to our homes for studying or as it was bed time. Even during other times when we had a supply of electricity, we indulged in indoor games like carrom, Risk, Battleship, Monopoly, Clue and many games with the evergreen pack of cards. Little did we realize that we wouldn’t even have time to play these games in future. Games really teach a lot. There was this usual accusation of cheating, a person disrupting the game by walking halfway out of it, only to return back for the next game. As we grew up, we had lot more to study and the only time we got to play was when the electricity supply was cut. But festivals always provided an opportunity for us to get together again.

To be continued...